HE NEVER FAILS

He never fails to make me so damn angry at myself. And to think, I’m not entirely at fault.

Gad.

I really do not know what to think now. All MY bullshit about “forgiveness” and “being the better person” has disappeared under a haze of raw hate (again, apparently).

Being a stupid kid, I should’ve known while in high school to KNOW WHEN TO GIVE UP.

Honestly. I’ve been trying to do what I was doing for months then…and he would understand, or so I thought. Enough about him. He has no part whatsoever in my life anymore.

Turning over a new leaf won’t change anything..unless I burn the old one.

I’ve learned in our Biology classes that a fire is what brings a new and healthier life to an ecosystem. It will destroy some, of course, but the next generation will be ensured a better future. As a biology student in the only national university in the country, I should be able to fully understand and apply the natural laws of the universe to my life. Sure, my weight has always been a miracle when we talk about Physics (I have defied some…just kidding), but a lot can be learned if I only paid attention to what the world is telling me. But as of now, I can only think of examples in relation to nature. I AM a Bio student, but I also have to know other things.

See, here’s where I am going to: As a tree sheds its dead and utterly useless leaves, I must know how to let some things go… Specifically, the things that are weighing me down, the things that are, at some point, making me lose track of who I really am.

He’s gone so far without me in his happy life. Why should I wallow like a pig (pun intended) in the mud of regret? The metaphor is accurate, because it relieves me-in a twisted and unusual way that I cannot understand-as a pig is in a hot day. And I am chubby, so the figure of speech is most appropriate.

He is a sort of untoward inspiration to me. All I’ve written concerning him turn out either good or a meter short of spectacular. Just look at this entry. I would usually blog/express in English, but I would often insert Tagalog words, phrases, and even sentences. The poems I’ve written conveying hurt, regret, anger and jealousy (platonic, not in any way romantic) were read by some of my dearest friends and they loved them; the school paper published my writing, though you should keep in mind that The Cavinian would print anything they’d get their lazy hands on. I scowl at their proofreading abilities.

Back to the argument.

So, finally, here’s what I think of him.

No names, word spread too fast even in those days that everybody who knows me knows who I’m talking about.

I think he’s selfish. He’s childish. Immature to the highest degree of the word.

EXTREMELY NARROW-MINDED. He’s a hypocrite too, for telling me before that he hated people who were like the above.

That’s all I can think of. I have some other traits in mind, but they only apply to me and my situation. It’s not the same for anyone else. Good or bad. That’s why I am so jealous.

Damn.

But still, with all that said, he never failed to make me laugh..not then, not now.

SITTING, WAITING, WISHING

“Well, I’m just sitting, waiting, wishing you believe in superstition, then maybe you’d see the signs…”

 

I have had no (zero, nil, nada, zip) experience in dating and relationships. Yet there I was in highschool, one of the most trusted people with whom people get advice from. I don’t know how I knew. I just did.

I have managed to keep a low-key existence, being fat and etc. since 3rd Grade. I am blaming my Grandma for this, she had a habit of leaving me alone in our kitchen. )

People liked me because I was relatively nice to them. And of course, I was one of the top students of my batch. I had always liked having fun at any cost – I got caught one time trying to retrieve the shaft of a mop from the roof of a waiting shed because it fell when I was trying to snatch the paper airplane that had fallen upon it. I got off with a warning, but regretted the fact that the white airplane would be stuck there forever, lonelily exhausting its existence without anybody playing with it. And it was all my fault.

As a child, I liked to eat. And when I don’t, my parents assume that there is something wrong with me. There was a time when I was 3 or 4, and I distinctly remember looking up at the table to see what they were having for lunch. What I saw was a mass of green vegetables, and I knew that these were the ones that left that bitter taste in your mouth even after you’ve swallowed a gallon of water. So when my Mum had a piece of the leafy greens headed toward my piehole, I quickly turned away. My dad told me that if I didn’t eat, they’d bring me to the hospital. I didn’t open my mouth for anything but milk. They picked me up then brought me to the Manila Doctors Hospital in U.N. Ave., and I stayed in it’s ER for hours. I lay there awake, hugging my white teddy. then the nurse came and did I-can’t-recall what, but I see my teddy falling to the floor close to where the head of the bead was. I do not remember what they did to me then but I remember waking up when it was time to leave. I only remembered my teddy when we had gotten into the taxi that would take us home. I pleaded and cried for my teddy, but my Grandma said, “Pabayaan mo na, bibili na lang tayo ng bago. Bigay na lang natin sa janitress yun. para sa anak na lang niya.” (Let it go, we’ll buy another one. Let’s give it to the janitress, so that her children could have it.)

I remembered being very, very distraught, lonely and angry. How could they not let me have my teddy back? It was the only thing that I’d have next to me when my parents were away and my Lola (grandma) was nowhere to be found. They’d given me a new teddy, but it didn’t come close to what I had before. Teddy was white, relatively worn, and he had holes in his armpits from wear. That teddy was given to me by one of my godfathers, and it meant so much to me to have it back.

Until now I still miss that teddy, even though I’m already turning 17 in November. I just feel so sad for him, to think that I was at fault for leaving him alone on that cold, hard, hospital floor, with no one to hug and take care of him…. I knew how hard it was to leave something very dear behind. I learned at a very young age to care for the things I had, to value them so as to not lose them in any way. 

Pretty childish, but not IMMATURE.

I had loved that teddy, even if it didn’t love me back. I had something to hold on to in those hours alone in this big-for-a-toddler house. I had reasons to cherish him, but I can’t give out any reasons for loving him. Care and love go alongside each other, but they’re not one and the same.

Love is a very tricky subject, but once you get the ropes, you’re all set.

Heck, I have only seen the ropes, I haven’t even touched them, yet, I knew. 

Maybe it was because of the lesson imprinted in me at that very early age, or maybe it’s because I’ve seen and felt so much in this little a time that I’ve known what to give out.

Yet here I am, sitting, waiting, wishing. But I don’t want to get anybody’s love from just a wish.

Oh, I’ll  find YOU. And when I do, I’ll give the most of what I can, the best of what I can, and, practically, 

ALL I CAN. )))))

(ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS HIM) “DEAR GOD”

DEAR GOD,

I know that I haven’t been a very exceptional girl this year. My studies were half bad (Math 17 comprised of the “bad” part), and I haven’t been a good daughter and sister. I disobeyed my parents, lied to them about where I was when my safety was all they ever thought about, and swindled my sister for money for lanyards (don’t worry though – none of our deals pushed through). Nonetheless, there were some good moments of this year for me. I don’t have to enumerate them, as you have been keeping tabs on me since forever. I hope they can serve as downpayment for what I am going to ask of you.

I have not thought about this too much – actually, the notion presents itself ever so annoyingly every hour. I know what I want for Christmas, Lord – and I know it won’t be able to make it this Christmas – though I fervently hope it will.

So, here goes..

There’s this guy I just met, and we aren’t even on speaking terms yet. That’s because I’m sure that IF / WHEN he will speak to me, I’m sure I won’t answer anything coherent – or more embarrasingly (is there such a word?) I’d just turn pale white or gush deep red in the face, and still be unable to answer.

He’s kind, playful, and he’s afraid of you (in a good way). TALL, DARK, AND DEFINITELY HANDSOME. He comes from a very good family, very warm and cheerful folks. They’re as playful as he is. I still can’t believe that he exists – and I know him. Thinking of him gives me butterflies in all the wrong places! My hands are unable to function well, my brain feels like its not there. My stomach lurches  when I see anything that reminds me of him.

I know that you are getting my point. You know well what I want for Christmas ’08. I want HIM. Crazy, yes, desperate, maybe. Infatuated, love lorn, NO. I am patient, as long as I am assured that I will get what I was waiting for.

I’d wait for countless Christmases for him, Santa, I’d wait religiously every year. I’d do my best in everything, be good in every way, just please give him to me. Or better yet, give me to him. I just hope that I’m the one he’s wishing for. I have known that it’s a long shot for him to like me, but a girl can hope, right? I won’t wish for him, ’cause wishes have a tendency to fall out. I am HOPING for him. As I have already pointed out, I will wait for until I am ready to be given such an enormous present – I will work and work and be good ’till I finally deserve him. I will, Lord, know that.

Love,

Abi

LOVE

I can define love by telling you the things that it is not. I cannot tell you what love is, but only describe the circumstances where I see it. Here goes nothing.

Love is not a feeling, it is not emotion. Joy is an emotion entailed by love, whereas  the butterflies in our stomach is a feeling, but that is not love, it is part of the biological experiences that occur whenever we get nervous. 

Love is not infatuation, for infatuation is shallow, and it is not based on anything solid. Infatuation lingers, but dies out because of time, because of reasons expelled by the physical world. But love is not like that – rather, love is a result of a complex series of events that happens over a long period of time. It can be said that love is not present in the beginning of a relationship, because love is built up, block by block.

Some say love is eternal, and some say otherwise. I think that love is not eternal, but it is made so because of the commitment one shares with another. The commitment makes you stay together because you have to, but you can choose not to, and leave. But, eventually, love will make you stay because you want to.

Love isn’t what the commercialized movies say it is – it is far deeper and profound than anything that will be caught on film. When it is genuine, you can sense it from a mile away. 

Love isn’t about how much you give. It is about giving, and not expecting anything in return. It is being grateful that you were able to share, even though you did not get anything back. In some way, love is sacrifice.

I think that love is not about feeling good – because the real lovers are the ones who experience pain. I’m not saying that pain is love, I am pointing out that love also entails pain, especially when it is true and pure.

Love does not destroy. On the other hand, it nurtures and brings to life.

And ‘ere is love, according to the Holy Bible.

1 Cor 13:1-13

“I may be able to speak the languages of human beings and ven of angels, but if I have no love, my speech is no more than a noisy gong or a clanging bell. I may have the gift of inspired preaching, I may have all knowledge and understand all secrets; I may have all the faith needed to move mountains – but if I have no love, I am nothing. I may give away everything I have, and even give up my body ot be burned – but if I have no love, this does me no good.

Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope and patience never fail.

Love is eternal. There are inspired messages, but they are temporary; these are gifts of speaking in strange tongues, but they will cease; there is knowledge, but it will pass. For our gifts of knowledge and of inspired messages are only partial; but then what is perfect comes, then what is partial will disappear.”

AND THERE GOES MY BRAIN.

UUUGGGGHHHHRRRRR.

Here’s a list of my most favored actors e v e r.

Order: I just type the first person that comes to mind.

HEATH LEDGER

-The Brothers Grimm, The Dark Knight… can’t remember anything else without being sad. He is, by far, the most riveting and passionate actor that I have ever seen on film. We’ll all miss him, I’m sure of it.

Johnny Depp

-Secret Window, Edward Scissorhands…which led to Sweeney Todd. lol.

Nicholas Cage

-Matchstick Men, National Treasure, Knowing.

Christian Bale

-dragon something… can’t remember. Batman. Duh. The Prestige. Awesome.

Mark Wahlberg

-The Departed, The Italian Job

LEONARDO DiCaprio (Maybe I should spell my DeCastro like that. Whoa – it’s gorgeous!!) lol

-The Beach, The Departed, William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet.

OHMYGAWD-ADAMSANDLER.

-Click, Spanglish, Little Nicky, Hot Chick, SNL

John Cho

-Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay. ))

James Franco

- Pineapple Express >:D EPIC.

Chris Evans

-Cellular (?), Fantastic4, wala lang hot lang siya (yummmmmmmmmm) lol

James McAvoy

-f*ck kailangan ba talagang puro “J”????…Wanted, Starter for 10.

Liam Neeson

-Taken

Jeremy Irons

-Eragon, Elizabeth

The Kid From Eragon

-Eragon

Hugh Dancy

-Elizabeth

ALMOSTFORGOTSHIALABEOUF.

-Transformers, Eagle Eye

(Wanted to post pics but I’m too lazy to do so. Ta-ta for now. )

IDK – now comes with clues!

I really can’t figure you out.
One minute you’re glaring at me as if I’d cheat, the next I’d catch you just in the nick of time, trying to turn away from my eyes so I wouldn’t notice you were gazing at me again. Or glaring (again), for that matter.

Oh, and I hate the way he catches me looking at him. And vice versa. It’s like we’re both engaging in a staring contest. And we both wouldn’t quit looking unless there’s something that’ll really catch our attention.

You’d always call me whenever you see me not listening to your babbling. Why? You don’t really say anything that I want to hear, so, why listen? And I think that you shouldn’t even care if I didn’t listen. It’s be my fault and mine alone if I failed to understand you.

In person, you’re really professional. Elsewhere, you’re very..is “friendly” the correct term? It’s like you’re more conniving and traitorous than that. 
You’ll smile one moment then frown the next.
And another thing. I don’t really know what you are to me, either.

A Nation Of Servants Indeed

Argumentum ad hominem. An attack to the personal situation of the adversary. China. Philippines.

Frankly, as a daughter of the Philippine Islands, I am gravely insulted by this statement. I feel that the article concerning this message was not written by a mind who was unclouded by greed. Greed, because, there would be no other reason for it. Perhaps, the penholder was envious? But, who would be jealous of a nation of domestic helpers, one of corrupt government officials commanding ignorants in disarray? Perhaps we are a nation of such people, but we are a nation with people who are faithful and humble, who serve not their domineering masters but their own hearts that beat for their families who have no food on their tables. We are a people who suffer for the ones we love, working endlessly and neglecting even our own necessities just to give our families what they need.

As a whole nation, the Filipinos do not count as much when compared to others. But if you look into each and every one of our souls, you’d see hearts overwhelming with love. You’d probably pity even yourself for not being able to comprehend the sacrifice that each person from this forsaken country endures.

Cleaning toilets, babysitting, and driving cars may not be much, but these are jobs that the Filipino is willing to do for the good of his or her family. The majority of our people do not receive six-figure salaries, but what we do is honorable, what most of our professions are based on what’s fair and just. 

If the case of the Spratlys will be fought on grounds of military power, or of racial superiority, then the Filipinos will have little to combat with. But think of this: insults and discrimination have won nothing. And it will continue to be that way till kingdom come.  

We are servants, servants of God and nobody and nothing else.

I Have To.

I have to sleep but I don’t want to. I have to quit blogging but I don’t need to.

I have to study Math but I should have done that ages ago.

I have to quit liking you, but I still do.

Guten nicht, arriverderci, la amores. Je t’aime.

Smiles of A Summer Night

So here’s what I have learned from the movie.

You can’t force love. You can’t make it go back, or make it go away. The only thing you can do is to act upon it. 

When you’ve set our heart on something, you can’t ever make it leave your mind. 

People do not stay the same. 

Love isn’t finding what you want, it’s finding what you need.

Love really does not know any bounds. Andbody can fall for anyone. It’s all just a matter of letting yourself go.

We can’t have everything all at once.

A little comedy and suspense should be present in a person’s life.

Love always finds a way. 

People do anything they can in their power (or others’) to get what they want.

 

Three Smiles of a Summer Night,  the film by my favorite, acclaimed director Ingmar Bergman tells a story of love, deceit, undecisiveness, revenge and manipulation. But all’s well that ends well. They all live happily ever after – eventually.

I CAN’T REALLY BREATHE RIGHT NOW

So he really CAN. You can’t imagine how that changes my opinion of him. OHLY ISHT. | :’| I dunno what to think! HALP.
I know. I can imagine him ____ing in the funniest situation ever. He’ll be doing it while standing atop a chair, seemingly calling out for someone to help him because there was a mouse on the floor. And he’d be wearing a bikini under something Paula Abdul. HAHAHA.

..nope, it don’t work, dudes, help? >:”||

SO I FORGOT TO ZIP MY FLY.

Okay, that was hilarious and embarrassing. Good thing the sun had already fallen when this all happened – so not that may people got to see me walk around the city stupid as hell. I only discovered the fact when I was just a kilometer away from home. I usually travel 30 or so kilometers just to get to school. Right after I had peed, at school, disaster had followed me like a hawk. lols. So that was the cause of all the funny stares I got from walking down the train station. HAHA.

I Already Miss You

I began feeling the symptoms since March 14, 2009, in the evening. Right after watching “If Only” on the bus home and falling asleep. I felt that there was something missing. And even if another day has already passed by, I still can’t put my finger on what’s “lacking” in my life.
My trying to be indifferent for the sake of not getting hurt is presenting itself again. Well, I shouldn’t even be affected in the first place. Who is he to me? Although he holds an important place in my life, he shouldn’t be of much value to my heart.

So my butt’s already going numb from sitting here and trying to deduce the thing/person that’s missing. And I’ve been awake for 12 hours already, and I won’t sleep because I have to study for my Psych exam. I know that I shouldn’t be blogging – but this is so that I could concentrate on the other more important things. The things that are really worth wondering about. Things like parenting styles, neonatal development, etc….

I just don’t want to sigh anymore, that’s why. 

 

Babe, I already miss you.

Sweetheart, I, already miss you.

And you’ve only just walked out the door.

Laiya, San Juan Batangas. A Day After.

OKAY. So here are the key points.

- Not sleeping did not affect me in any way whatsoever.

- Hiked at around 11:30 in the morning to 2:30 in the afternoon, with my jacket’s hoodie covering my head. Too lazy to use umbrella. Feet almost dried up from the hot sand. 

- Drinking gave me hell. Consuming alcohol, which was a diuretic, gave me no choice but to relieve myself in the wet and wild wilderness. It wasn’t any fun to not absorb anything the profs were saying because I had to give my full attention to concentrate to not pee. And so there. Do not drink on hiking trips, ok?

-____ was so sexy.

- Ate Hamdesal and a Cinnamon swirl for lunch and downed a Java Chip VENTI, another diuretic. BEFORE the 30 minute 3+ mile hike. ||

-Went to the beach in La Luz resort to take pictures and wash our tired feet, with free exfoliation courtesy of the coarse grained Batangas sand.

- Watched “The Day the World Stood Still (Reeves) and If Only (Love-Hewitt). The latter made me tear up.

-Got extremely jealous, for no APPARENT reason. O rly?

-Stopover#2 SLEX. Got Beef Jerky and an iced tea. Took 3 bites off of it and decided to give it to Ange. Drank hot choco, signature of course. Bought Mum her favorite cinnamon swirl (again. I ate the first one for lunch.)

- Loved the homeward bound bonding with blockmates. Slept till Quirino Ave.

-Enjoyed everything. Will miss Mach 14, 2009. Forever.